Zombified
The building next to mine is on fire.
I’m feeling disrespected, misunderstood, and exhausted (not due to just one thing, for the egomaniacs). Oh, and grumpy. When I said to keep the hits coming, I was being facetious. Alas, they keep coming. I try so hard to just be happy and have fun and take people and invite people along, yet I am surrounded by tragedy, selfishness, and delusion at every turn. I hate drama and bullshit. I am not even a hater. I am like 1% percent hater. Today comprises the 1%.
I’m not quite sure of what else to do, other than hide. Hiding sounds nice. I need sleep.
De-evolution
I just purchased this dress and I am excited because it reminds me of a dress that was available a long time ago that I have always wanted. It could only be seen or purchased via infomercial and it was called “The Infinite Dress.” The idea, of course, was that it was so versatile that you could wear it in an infinite number of ways.
At the time, I was in shock and awe. I thought the idea was so genius. And that I would never have to buy another outfit again. I could wear the same dress over and over and over again, just in different styles, and NO ONE WOULD EVER NOTICE.
Clearly, I was naive. It was kind of like Lois Lane not realizing that Clark Kent is really Superman. I mean, combed hair, glasses, and fumbling insecurity make him unrecognizable? Really?
Anyway, thanks to American Apparel and their fondness for playing with fashion basics in a way that will allow you to look as scandalous/ridiculous as possible, I now have my own version of The Infinite Dress. There are even “how-to” videos on American Apparel’s site that instruct you on how to attain all of the possible looks. Score. Lifelong Dream meet Present Reality.
Now for other (thinking-person type) news (although I’m sure these dresses required a lot of thought in their design) . . .
As I peeled myself off of my couch this morning after approximately one hour of one of the worst sleeps of my life, I realized that I might have to revise some of my life philosophies.
Martyrdom, for example, has not treated me kindly. Not martyrdom in the religious, deadly sense, but more of in a kind of putting myself out there and suffering for the sake of others way. For which there might be a more appropriate word (there is always a more concise, appropriate word . . . if only my mind could reach it).
But I’ve always had this sense that donating my time and money and effort to people and causes, supporting and going out on a limb for others, working my ass off, and forgiveness in the form of giving second, third, and fourth chances, would somehow culminate in ultimate personal fulfillment and happiness. I’ve always thought that anything other than that type of behavior fell within the realm of selfishness, greed, and sloth, and consequently, loneliness and unhappiness.
But now I’m wondering, what is the point? When some of my “acts of grace” are attached to expectations, followed by eventual disappointment when my kindness doesn’t result in appreciation or some sort of life reward. I wonder if I am doing something wrong. I give and give and give and give. But what else can others do with that, but take or refuse?
One of my most embarrassing tattoos (I hate them both) actually means the most to me because of the different concepts it represents, concepts that I have based my entire life on. Grace breathes life into the heart. I will probably eventually have it removed or turned into something that isn’t as humiliating and/or is ambiguous enough to mean nothing or anything. I constantly fear the same thing will happen to me, for some reason. Being just nothing or anything actually sounds quite desirable right now.
When it comes down to it, I think that at this very moment, I would like to live with passion, effort, kindness, compassion, and celebration. And surround myself with fun, caring, positive, and respectful people. In beautiful environments. If I need to move to a remote, tropical island with an attractive French man named Germain (who actually does exist) to do this, so be it. I wouldn’t have to concern myself with clothing, probably. Or social dynamics or acceptance or the consequences of poor decisions. Just living off of the land, soaking in the sun and water, practicing breeding, learning, properly breeding, napping, and laughing. I have a very utopian view of what my future holds.
With that said, I will never be able escape my mind. There are heavy trees being chopped down all around me constantly, and while I dodge and climb over them, I hope to come out of the woods unscathed. I can choose to live a life not just based on intuition and random impulsiveness, but on caution, mindfulness, respect, and nurturance. Without compromise, avoidance, or suffering. And hopefully a healthy dose of connecting with nature.
I do not believe in a fate that falls on men however they act; but I do believe in a fate that falls on them unless they act.
I am growing tougher. Keep the hits coming.
tickle fight! 