Former Black Panther, Kathleen Neal Cleaver.

Get out your big jewelry, turtlenecks, and shades (and your fist) and make things happen.

Thank you for not giving up on me.  I have been meaning to write, but life keeps getting in the way.  However, I woke up early today (incredible feat) to get some stuff done and here I am – acting in response to a number of threats regarding my writing hiatus.

Sooo . . . to get things rolling again, I will report some good things:

More cool people (and less hurtful people) in my life.

Big October = music, people, books, sunshine, brains, and fun.

Which leads to > more nerdy things to exercise my brain.  God, I needed that.

New record player (fancy turntable!) + new speakers + some thing with knobs + new records (hey joanna newsom EP and bat for lashes!) = a happy, happy girl.

I might get to see my ENTIRE family at once in December (another amazing feat).

Jeannie, the Creature from the Sheets, officially has the cutest dog walker in the whole wide world.

My old friends Honesty and Loyalty are hanging out again.

A new cool GIRL friend (shocking).

New glasses after like 7 years of wearing the same old mf’ing lisa loeb frames.

Big book sale + vegetarian festival + bluegrass + Treasure Island Music Festival next weekend.

My plants are growing at a beastly rate, which means I DO NOT KILL PLANTS (I have always thought I had a murderous thumb).

Half-day today to pick up a car and drive to Nevada City for the weekend (with pup included) to seek out commune property and whatever else we might find there (wood sprites?  good vintage?  veggie food?  warlocks?).

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, things are going quite well and I am officially no longer a Victim of the Storm.

Okay.  I’ve broken the seal.  Expect more.  I need a soy chai to think/write nonsense properly.  Then, it’s on.

I have spent a lot of my life so far accepting and rationializing mediocrity.  The past year of my life consisted mostly of mourning and acting out against tragedy.  At this moment in my life, I am basking in the benefits of actually seeking out and embracing what I deserve.  It feels nice and oddly takes way less effort than the constant pressure involved with always trying to make things better.

I checked out my old personal website through Michigan State yesterday.  We used those websites to post papers and things for some of my classes, but after I graduated, I used mine as a web design practice site while I taught myself programs.  Some of the site’s incarnations are pretty funny to look at, but what shocked me the most is that my “online journal” entries are not very different from the words I post today.  Except I think I was smarter and had more time on my hands to read and do art.  But not much has changed in my head, apparently.

Exhibit A:

Date: Thursday, June 12, 2003 7:58:05
Topic: obsessions for now
chai
crocheting
nag champa
nivea lotion
the rapture
big jewelry
nylon magazine
my dog
leaving work on time
a song by neko case
vanilla musk
big salads
leaving the lights off
people watching
mix cds
frilly tops
taking bad photographs
sarcastic writers
looking at old photographs
hiding
dvds
deconstructed fashion
$8 concerts
there are a million more shallow obsessions to list, but i must go to work.
enjoy the silence.

Exhibit B:

Date: Monday, June 16, 2003 7:47:34
Topic: patience will find you pretty things
while waiting for the bus yesterday, an old, toothless man sat near me and shouted “happy father’s day! happy everybody day! everyday is everybody day!.” then he began to pump his nubby hand into the air and sang that song “joy and pain . . . sunshine and rain.” then, a cop pulled up and arrested him because he received a complaint from trader joe’s and the man wasn’t cooperating. i wonder what he did at trader joe’s. hopefully it was fun . . . maybe he had some sunshine to go with his rain.
i have another obsession to add . . . french films. except for the very violent, head-chopping sort. L’auberge Espagnole (which wasn’t entirely in french) is a fun film, i think. i also rented Frida (not french, of course) . . . the art direction is amazing in that movie. i’m painfully jealous of the people who get to design films like that.
i hibernated all weekend . . . sad it’s over.
work work work work work work work work work work.
monday fun day

Exhibit C:

Date: Sunday, May 4, 2003 1:06:28
Topic: sunday lusty sunday
do you ever wonder what people are like when they are with their closest friends? those lucky enough to have an invitation to such a forum are often somewhat surprised that the person they’ve befriended isn’t quite so innocent after all. innocence is relative, though, right? i am certainly virtuous, by my standards.
everyone has needs (i keep pounding away at that theme, don’t i? . . . ew, terrible pun – so sorry). perhaps the tight-lipped folks just spend more time tactfully slipping their needs under their bed (where their pornography is hidden) to reveal them at a more appropriate time. for some reason, the quiescent people intrigue me. i love how it seems like they are holding on to a secret and they won’t share it with just anyone. maybe i’m fond because they don’t let on that they aren’t listening to a damn word you are saying. i wish i would embrace silence more often.
so what are the chronic-sex-talkers looking for? attention? probably sex. most tenth graders will agree that those who discuss it frequently aren’t engaging in the activity so much. maybe that is why the CSTs demand that the general public view them in a sexual way. and does all of the hyberbolic, forced, sexual imagery indefinitely drop the chronic-sex-talker’s partner onto a lubricated slope that leads to an anti-climactic vat of unfeeling disappointment? hmmm…
my brother thinks that sex is the lowest common denominator . . . i’m not sure i agree – i think it can feel strictly primal, cheap, or awkward, for those that devalue it in such a way and therefore, approach it with a small amount of respect. but some people attach plenty of powerful abstractions to “sexual acts” (for shame! that was so very sex-ed teacher of me). i think connecting sexually can, for the most part, contain a series of profound moments, if one so desires.
maybe it is difficult to listen to someone chatter on about sex on their terms, according to their values (shit, is that what i’m doing ri-ght now?). when you spend most of your life trying to escape sexual attention (although everyone appreciates it, in a way) in hope that others will deal with you on an intellectual level, you tend to distrust those that discuss fornication in excess. alas, in time, you let people see you. and, because you’re bored with trying, it doesn’t matter what kind of attention comes along.
whether someone hides who they are or tries to focus on one aspect of who they are to skew the perception of others, “the others” always tend to finally see through the methods. you can run, but you can’t hide. uhm, and as evidence indicates . . . i’m not skillful at either.
in case this has become too ponder-ific, i would like to add that stephen malkmus is my new make-believe boyfriend. i want to wrap my ballerina tights around his head. hah!
i’ve become quite the chronic-crush-talker . . .

So you see, I had many of the same obsessions, same desires, and the same proclivity toward posting random, rambling thoughts as now.  I am starting to understand why I received the mock election awards of  ”least changed” and “most memorable” (among others) in high school.  It didn’t make sense to me at the time. 

I guess I think the biggest difference in me then v. me now is that I am tougher.  Tougher and wiser.  Maybe even more liberal.  And I am proud to say that I am feeling hopeful, excited, grateful, and full of love for the things and people in my life right now.  I don’t care if I am a piece of cheese.  Hopefully I am at least a delicious hunk of triple cream.

Never.

Stop.

Crushing.

With.

All.

Of.

Your.

Being.

I have more nonsense to spew and new photos to post from my steaming hot, but fun weekend in Paso Robles for my bff’s wedding.  I am broke as a joke and nerding out just happens to be one of my favorite forms of No Money Fun.  It is the internet’s lucky day!!  Alas, it will have to wait until later today (tonight?) because I sometimes do this thing called work, which is totally boring but apparently necessary. 

So . . . in the meantime, check out one of my favorite sites right now.  Meet Jezebel (if you haven’t met her already).  The writers on this site have a tendency to write out my thoughts.  It’s creepy in a “SYNC!” way.  But I am extremely self-absorbed, so you can see why I enjoy reading my thoughts in the mirror.  And I’m not very articulate (okay:  out of control) when trying to express why I want to crush Megan Fox’s useless brain, dislike most news anchors, and actually kind of like Rachel Zoe.  And Jezebel articulates these types of things nicely without the off-putting attitude and frantic rants.

With that – until later, tiny humans.

p.s. if you are already on the jezebel tip, check out this AMAZING site telling us why feminism is evil.  There are a lot of gems there, including this photo, which is labeled “The True Face of Feminism!”  Oh-my-gosh, I am making THAT SAME FACE RIGHT NOW.

There you are, Little Star Pizza.  I’ve been looking for you.  I want to introduce you to my parents.

Dear burrito mojado from Taqueria Cancun, 

Some people think you are “ugly hot” but, whatevs  – all I can think about is how you are there for me when I need you and you leave me feeling so satisfied. 

With love,

Amanda.

Well, hello, Fat Bottom Bakery!  Very nice to meet you and your vegan pride cupcakes.  We should spend some quality time together.

I need to unbutton my pants now.

I promise to write more.  I promise to write more.  I promise to write more.  I promise to write more.  I promise to write more.  I promise to write more.  I promise to write more.  I promise to write more.  I promise to write more.  I promise to write more.  I promise to write more.  I promise to write more.  I promise to write more.  I promise to write more.

You’re welcome.

Heeeeere’s Jack White!!

I might be the only one who finds him Smokin’ Creepy Hot, but I am okay with that.

Lifelounge.

It is almost too much to handle.  Wow, content!  Unlike this site.